


Tammy Swanson-Swanson's What to Do After Divorce Seminar Featuring Leslie Knope

by Annakovsky



Category: Parks and Recreation
Genre: Bisexual Female Character, F/F, Female Anti-Hero, Female Protagonist, Future Fic, Yuletide, Yuletide 2011
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-22
Updated: 2011-12-22
Packaged: 2017-10-27 18:19:41
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/298665
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annakovsky/pseuds/Annakovsky
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tammy's bored. When she finds out Leslie's getting divorced, she hatches a new plan to annoy Ron that gets a little out of hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tammy Swanson-Swanson's What to Do After Divorce Seminar Featuring Leslie Knope

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Deifire](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Deifire/gifts).



Tammy's life has settled into a boring rut lately. There are no big budget meetings coming up, the ALA conference isn't for months, no one in the department has gotten into any good fights or sex scandals lately. She has that disagreeable, restless feeling that means it's time to check in on Ron. Luckily she has a mole inside the Parks Department who keeps her up to speed on all the good gossip.

Of course Jerry doesn't know he's a mole. He just thinks it's nice that he and the deputy director of the library have such a nice rapport, and can get together every now and then for lunch, where he informs her that Donna has a serious boyfriend she keeps making out with in the office, that Ron's little assistant is back together with her beefy ex-husband, and that Leslie's marriage to the old assistant city manager is going down the tubes.

"Really," Tammy says, giving him her best 'do tell' look over her glasses.

"We're all pretty sure they're getting divorced," Jerry says, looking genuinely sorry. "It's so sad. Leslie is devastated."

Well, isn't that interesting. Tammy has never liked that little blond hussy -- she and Ron have a relationship that is way too cozy for Tammy's taste. All that supposed “friendship” and “respect” and “caring” about each other, Tammy doesn't buy it. There must be something sordid and sexual and disgusting at the core, but Ron will always be Tammy's man, and no blond Tammy 1 wannabe is going to snatch him away now that she's divorced and vulnerable and probably giving him sad divorced doe-eyes all the time, wanting to take Ron for herself. No, this cannot stand.

She is a pretty little thing, though. Tammy could see why Ron would want her. All big blue eyes and sass, wearing all those rings. A real firecracker. Tammy bets with the right encouragement she could be an animal in the bedroom. Which... come to think of it.

Oh, that is good. A plan is forming in Tammy's mind that will _really_ get under Ron's skin.

**

Chris is extremely pleased with Tammy's idea for a collaborative project between the Parks Department and the library.

"What a fantastic idea!" he says. "A community garden at the main branch of the library would be wonderful! What a great way to combine my two favorite departments!" He is literally beaming, which he informs her of two seconds later.

It takes basically no effort at all to get him to suggest that Leslie Knope is the logical person for her to work with in the Parks Department on this project. "Oh, of course, I can see how it would be awkward for you to work with Ron Swanson," Chris says. "He's not usually one for interdepartmental cooperation anyway. Not one of his strong suits. What about Leslie Knope? She's a real go-getter, and as deputy director, she's your counterpart in the Parks Department anyway!"

Men. Just like that and they're wrapped around your little finger, and they think it was their idea. "Oh!" Tammy says, feigning surprise. "I hadn't even thought of her, but what a great idea!"

Leslie puts up a pretty good fight, trying to argue that there is no need for a community garden at the library, and that Parks is a lone wolf that shouldn't be working with other departments -- Chris points out that Parks just put on a program with the fire department last month and Leslie frowns, looking furious but having to concede the point -- but between Chris and Tammy, even Leslie Knope can't get out of it. Tammy feels like Leslie gives in a little early for her, actually, like she doesn't quite have the energy she used to. It's almost disappointing Tammy doesn't have to work harder to get Leslie on board with the project.

Of course, seducing Leslie is almost certainly going to be much more difficult, so Tammy should probably be saving up her strength for that anyway.

**

Their first meeting on the project is on a Friday afternoon. Leslie comes to Tammy’s office, since she and Tammy both decided that it would be best if Tammy didn't come by the Parks Department. Or, Leslie decreed it would be best, looking warily at Tammy like she suspected Tammy would try to protest. Oh, right, Leslie probably thinks this project is a way to get at Ron. Well, she's right about that, but Tammy doesn't need to actually see Ron for this particular plan.

Tammy is all-business for the bulk of the meeting, which makes Leslie keep looking at her in confusion, like she's waiting for the other shoe to drop and is surprised it hasn't yet. But after forty-five minutes of Tammy not trying any funny stuff, Leslie's obviously starting to let her guard down.

Tammy beams at her as they wrap up everything they needed to get through for the day. "Leslie, it's such a pleasure to work with you. You're such a dynamo."

She thinks Leslie might go back into suspicious mode, looking for the trap, but Leslie just says, "Well, it's been surprisingly pleasant working with you, Tammy."

Tammy gives her her nicest smile. "I just wanted to say again how sorry I am about all the trouble I've given your department over the years. Lately I've realized how ridiculous and immature that was. And I wanted to apologize to you personally for putting you in the middle of things between me and Ron so much."

Leslie smiles. "That's nice of you to say," she says. She looks thoughtful for a second. "And -- well, I have to admit, I think I understand where you were coming from a little better now. So... apology accepted."

Oh boy, Leslie's bringing up her marriage problems without Tammy even having to do it! She didn't expect it to go this easily! "Oh, really?" Tammy says, all sympathy. "But aren't you married to that cute little accountant who used to work for the City Manager's office?"

Leslie's eyes actually well up with tears for a split second, but then she swallows and gets herself under control again and says, "Actually we just split up." Her voice breaks a little on the last word. Poor thing. A rebound fling is just the thing to cheer her up.

"Oh, Leslie," Tammy says. She doesn't even have to summon up false sympathy -- she remembers how awful it was when Ron actually called things off. "I'm so sorry to hear that."

Leslie shrugs, avoiding meeting Tammy's eyes like she's afraid if she does she'll really start crying. "Maybe I should try to get revenge on him like you did with Ron," she says, obviously trying to make a joke. "Nothing else is making me feel better."

Tammy laughs. "Now, Leslie," she says. "I've turned over a new leaf, remember? Revenge doesn't help anyway. You know what helps a lot more? A girls’ night out."

Leslie nods and says, "I know it would, but Ann has a baby now, so we haven't had a girls’ night in ages."

"Well, Ann's not the only girl in town!" Tammy says, shutting the file in front of her. "C'mon, Les, I'm taking you out. Let's get hammered."

**

One thing Tammy will say for Leslie Knope, the woman does not hesitate when it comes to liquor. Tammy admires that in a girl. In no time at all, Leslie is drunk as a skunk, dancing terribly and bumping into Tammy on the crowded dance floor. The colored lights are shining off her hair and she smells like something flowery when she has to catch Tammy's arm to keep from falling, and her laugh is louder than Tammy would have expected.

"I'm having such a good time!" Leslie yells over the music. "I've never been to this club before!"

"Oh no?" Tammy says. They're at XX, Indiana's third-largest lesbian club, hidden away at the edge of town. She's not totally sure that Leslie has realized it's a lesbian club yet, though. She keeps saying how great it is that nobody's groped her yet and how everyone's so nice and it smells so good.

"I really like it!" Leslie says. "There are so many ladies here! I love ladies!"

"So do I," Tammy says, looking Leslie up and down. She's having a surprisingly good time -- not that it's actually that surprising. That's why she likes having diabolical plans so much. They're always way more fun than behaving yourself.

"This is helping so much more than Ron's ex-husband effigy did!" Leslie yells.

Tammy can't help laughing. She was the one who taught Ron how to do that -- they burned the effigy of Tammy 1 together in the alley behind their first apartment, the one they got in Reno after she and Ron had run away together, taken Greyhound buses as far as they could afford. Ron stood too close to the effigy when he lit it and singed off all the hair on his arms and bare chest. They were half naked in the moonlight, whooping and feeling freer than either of them ever had, liberated and barbaric and unstoppable, the two of them against the world.

It's so crowded she and Leslie are having to dance close together, and Tammy takes the opportunity to press her boobs against Leslie's arm before she moves to grind her hips against her.

Leslie laughs, turning into her and throwing her arms around Tammy's shoulders like it's a joke, grinding back at her. "You're funny, Tammy!" she says. Tammy can smell the alcohol on Leslie's breath, and Leslie's beaming like tonight really is cheering her up. "This is so fun! I'm sorry I called you Satan's mother-in-law earlier today. I really misjudged you."

"Awww, that's okay," Tammy says. They've been dancing for so long and so vigorously that they're both starting to get out of breath, so when the song ends Tammy takes Leslie by the hand and pulls her over to one of the dark booths in the back. She pushes Leslie in and then collapses onto the bench after her, making sure she's sitting close enough that their thighs are pressed together.

She expects Leslie to scoot away, but Leslie doesn't, and when Tammy turns her head to look at her, Leslie's face is right there. "You're really pretty," Leslie says. She's obviously drunk, but not quite drunk enough to justify hitting on Tammy this much. Tammy didn’t know that seducing Leslie would be so easy. "You're almost as pretty as Ann. Do you know beautiful, beautiful Ann? The most beautiful part-time nurse, part-time stay-at-home-mom in the world?"

Tammy can't remember if she's met this Ann person or not, but it doesn't matter. "You're awfully beautiful yourself," Tammy says, looking right into Leslie's eyes. "That Ben must've been a real dummy to let you go."

Leslie looks a little teary again, and this time she's drunk enough that she doesn't even bother trying to blink it away. "Oh, Leslie," Tammy says, and puts her hand up to cup Leslie's cheek, stroking along the soft skin there. She lets her other hand fall onto Leslie's thigh.

Leslie sighs and then Tammy leans in, barely even having to move at all, since their faces are already so close. She expects Leslie to resist a little bit when she kisses her, but it's only a split-second before Leslie kisses her back, opening her mouth, and oh my, Leslie is a nice kisser, all soft and sweet. Her mouth tastes like the whipped cream vodka she was drinking earlier, and before Tammy knows it, they're full-on making out in the back booth, Tammy feeling up Leslie's boobs, her tongue in Leslie’s mouth and God, Tammy has missed sleeping with women. Soft skin and lip gloss and curves everywhere.

Getting a little more daring, Tammy slides her hand under Leslie's shirt, stroking the bare skin of her stomach, and Leslie doesn't object even then. Who knew little Leslie Knope was such a lover of the ladies? A second later Leslie is actually groping Tammy's (glorious) breasts herself, and Tammy takes a chance and moves her hand between Leslie's legs, rubbing her through her slacks.

Leslie has to break the kiss to gasp, her eyes wide and dark, pupils enormous, staring at Tammy with some kind of combination of lust and what might be terror. Mostly lust, though.

"Leslie," Tammy says. "Would you like to come back to my place with me? I'll make you forget all about him."

Leslie looks dazed, like she doesn't know what's happening to her, and after a second she nods.

"Really?" Tammy says, moving her hand teasingly over Leslie's crotch, ghosting her fingers over the fabric.

Leslie swallows and nods much more enthusiastically this time. "Yes, please," she says.

**

Once they're inside Tammy's front door, Tammy doesn't give Leslie any time to second-guess what they're doing, immediately pressing her up against the wall and kissing her until even Tammy feels a little dizzy. Leslie's all supple curves under her hands, spreading her legs when Tammy wedges her thigh in between them, moaning breathily when Tammy rocks into her.

The light is dim inside Tammy's house, just reflected glow from the streetlights slatting in through the blinds, and Tammy pulls Leslie through the house to the bedroom, sliding Leslie's clothes off as they go until Leslie's naked in Tammy's bed, wide-eyed and staring up at Tammy in the kind of sexual stupor Tammy's more used to seeing on Ron's face.

When Tammy pulls her own shirt off, Leslie's eyes widen even further, and when Tammy straddles her naked, Leslie looks completely overwhelmed, her hips hot against Tammy's knees. Tammy leans down to kiss her, their breasts pressing together, and Leslie gasps into her mouth.

"Have you ever slept with a woman before?" Tammy asks her, pulling back just far enough to talk, her hair falling in sheets around their faces.

Leslie shakes her head, eyes half-closed, hands settling on Tammy's hips. "I kissed a girl once in college," she says. "And I've had some dreams. But no, I haven't--"

She breaks off as Tammy slips her hand between Leslie's legs where she's soaking wet already, squirming as Tammy drags her finger over her folds.

"Oh," Leslie says in a very quiet voice, like she's just realized something.

"You haven’t?" Tammy says, finding Leslie's clit with her thumb. "Not even once? Not with that beautiful Ann of yours?"

Leslie shakes her head again, swallowing, and Tammy cups Leslie's breast with her other hand, running her thumb over Leslie's nipple, which hardens gratifyingly quickly.

"Well," Tammy says, as she leans down to lick over Leslie's skin. "I think you're in for a treat."

**

Leslie Knope is obviously not the first person Tammy has drunkenly seduced, and she knows that the trick to really having fun with it is not so much getting the person into bed as it is stopping them from waking up in their right mind the next day. She managed to keep Ron Swanson in a sexual fugue state for three years; she is no wet-behind-the-ears baby when it comes to sexual manipulation.

The next morning, Tammy wakes up while Leslie’s still asleep, drooling on Tammy’s pillow with eyeliner smeared under her eyes, her hair a rat's nest of hungover tangles. Tammy knows she's going to wake up with a pounding headache and a sense of regret and never see Tammy again, and while that's a certain kind of end to her plan, it's not the result she's looking for this time.

So she wakes Leslie up by going down on her, Leslie still half-asleep as Tammy slides her tongue into her, Leslie digging her hands into Tammy's skull before she's totally aware what's happening. Five minutes later she's gasping and sweating and telling Tammy not to stop, three of Tammy's fingers inside her, and God, she's so vocal and responsive, bucking her hips in rhythm, strangely uninhibited. Tammy wants to keep her here all day; she has thirty more things she wants to show Leslie how to do, and a strap-on dildo in the top drawer that she wants Leslie to experience.

Tammy knows the plan is going well when a half hour after she gets Leslie off, Leslie still looks dazed and post-orgasmic and hasn't made noises about leaving or how this was a mistake. She's sitting at Tammy's kitchen table in Tammy's bathrobe with a coffee mug full of what is mostly whipped cream while Tammy makes breakfast naked.

"Well, I sure enjoyed last night, Les," Tammy says, smiling at Leslie and raking her eyes up and down Leslie's body.

Leslie blushes. "Um, yeah," she says. "I -- me too, Tammy. I, um... that was not the girls' night I was expecting."

"It was better, right?" Tammy says, still smirking at Leslie and thinking she would really enjoy going back down on her right as she sits there in that chair. Just spreading her legs and opening the robe and going to town.

Leslie blushes more and for a second Tammy thinks she's not even going to say anything. But then after a beat, like she can't help herself, she mutters, "Much, much better."

"Do you want to go out again tonight?" Tammy asks, sliding a waffle off the iron and onto Leslie's plate. Jerry is so handy with pertinent information on what Leslie likes, it's like shooting fish in a barrel. She brings the waffle over to Leslie with the syrup, and Leslie's face goes even more turned on than it already was.

"Well," she says, but lacking a certain amount of conviction. "I don't know if that's a good idea, Tammy."

Tammy pouts at her. "But we didn't even get to try out that toy I was telling you about!"

Leslie swallows, that familiar look of lust and trepidation that Ron always gets coming over her face. "Oh," she says.

Tammy smirks at her. "If you don't want to go out, maybe we should just stay in."

From the look on Leslie's face, she thinks that might in fact be exactly what they'll do.

**

After that, she’s got Leslie on the hook, and that night kicks off a crazy whirlwind few weeks, a heady rush of sex and alcohol and more sex, sometimes in semi-public places. Tammy swears Leslie never sleeps, all that energy a force to be reckoned with in the bedroom, and Leslie is surprisingly into roleplay; one evening after closing, Tammy walks into the main branch of the library to find Leslie sitting behind circulation with her converse sneakers up on the desk, leaning back in her chair, a cigarette in her hand. "Can I smoke in here?" she says, all bad-girl attitude as she lights it -- of course, she immediately blows the illusion by starting to cough, but it’s still one of the hotter things Tammy has ever seen. Naughty schoolgirl and strict librarian, and Tammy ends up spanking her over the desk, and the sex is almost as good as the time Cleopatra showed Eleanor Roosevelt how to use a vibrator.

Tammy is enjoying herself too much to even hurry to rub it in Ron's face, wanting to take just a little more time to enjoy doing perverted things to Leslie Knope's beautiful body. But one night when she and Leslie are out getting smashed, Leslie's phone rings, and when Leslie looks at the caller ID her eyes widen. “Oh my God, it’s my ex-husband, Ben,” she says. “Oh my God. Should I answer it? Oh my God, why is he calling me, should I answer it, oh my God, I better answer it, oh God, okay!” She hits the talk button and says, “Hello,” warily into the phone. Then, after a second, “Hello? Hello?” Then she just listens, and as Tammy watches, her face falls.

When she hangs up, Tammy says, "Is everything okay, Les?"

Leslie frowns. It takes her a couple tries to get the words out and when she does her voice is shaky. "He just butt-dialed me. He's out with another woman. I could hear her in the background."

Even though Tammy could point out that Leslie too is currently out with another woman, she refrains. "Oh God, Leslie, I'm so sorry."

Leslie looks like she hasn't decided if she wants to throw something or burst into tears. "I think they were at the Snakehole. I could hear her yelling at Ben to come dance." Leslie drinks the rest of her TiramiSweetums (TM) cocktail in one giant gulp. "You know what," she says. "Screw him! I don't even care if he's out finding true love with someone else!"

"That's the spirit!" Tammy says.

“You know, it’s such bullshit, though,” Leslie says, getting the face she gets when she’s really furious. She’s a little drunker than Tammy thought she was. “I mean, how would he like it if I butt-dialed _him_ right now? I mean, how would he like it if you and I went down to the Snakehole right this second and made out in front of him? Because, you know what, Tammy, I don’t think he would like that at all!”

Tammy almost laughs, even though it’s not really funny. “Sounds like fun,” she says, eating the olive out of her extra dirty martini.

“You know what?” Leslie says. “We should do that. We should go right down there and make out in front of him. It would serve him right.” Yeah, she’s really drunk. Tammy likes it when Leslie’s really drunk -- anything can happen.

“Leslie,” Tammy says, looking Leslie right in the eye, meaning this more than she has ever meant anything. “Nothing would make me happier.”

**

The Snakehole is only half full -- it’s a Wednesday night, after all, and a terrible club -- so it doesn’t take long for Leslie to spot Ben, sitting morosely like a giant sad-sack at one of the tables along the back.

“Okay,” she whispers loudly and drunkenly to Tammy. “There he is. If we go over to that pillar and make out we’ll be right in his line of sight.”

She grabs Tammy’s hand and pulls her over to the pillar she was indicating, giggling the whole time, and once they’re there she turns to Tammy and pulls her close, kissing her open-mouthed and dirty.

Tammy lets herself fall into it, kissing Leslie back, Leslie's mouth so familiar under hers and Leslie's hair under her hands and Leslie's breasts pressing against her chest. "Mmm," Tammy hums into her mouth, and they take their time, finally pulling back after a good, long, bawdy kiss, tongues everywhere.

"Is he looking?" Leslie whispers, since her back is to Ben and Tammy's the one who can see him.

Ben is, in fact, looking. He looks devastated, actually, staring at them like he feels sick to his stomach. "Yeah, he definitely saw us," Tammy whispers back to Leslie.

She doesn't mean for Leslie to look, but of course she does anyway. Which is maybe just as well, so that Ben knows it's her for sure. It's no good making out in front of your ex-husband if he's not sure whose back he's looking at. Tammy's still got her hands on Leslie's hips, and Ben really does look like he's going to throw up.

Tammy is just wondering where the woman is that Ben was out with when a little group of people walk up to Ben's table, two men and a woman. They all look familiar -- hey, isn't one of them Glen, that tiny little man Tammy groped to make Ron jealous years ago? And isn't the woman Ron's assistant, the one who pretended she was married to Ron to make Tammy jealous last year?

The three of them turn around when they see Ben's face, following his stare to Leslie and Tammy, and yeah, those are definitely three people from the Parks Department -- the other guy looks like the old shoeshine boy, the one who was or is married to Ron’s assistant. All their mouths fall open in tandem.

"Oh, crap," Leslie mutters.

**

Tammy spends the rest of the night trying to convince Leslie that this is actually a good thing. "Oh, crap," Leslie keeps saying. "Oh, God. They’re going to tell Ron. He's going to kill me."

"How is this any of _Ron's_ business?" Tammy says. She is starting to get a little annoyed at how Leslie keeps repeating that.

Leslie just looks at her, like it should be very obvious how this is Ron's business.

"Leslie," Tammy says. "This is a good thing! Now we can go public with our relationship!"

"Oh, God," Leslie says again, putting her forehead in her hand. "Ben wasn’t even out with another woman, it was just April! What was I thinking? Oh, crap on a pie plate, Ron’s going to have an aneurysm."

"Don't you worry about Ron," Tammy says. "I'll just come by your department tomorrow and explain it to him."

**

Leslie is extremely insistent that Tammy not come by the Parks Department and explain, but like that’s going to stop her. Tammy’s not going to stay away and miss all the fun! Her whole plan was leading up to this moment, reveling in the chaos, and what, she’s just going to let someone _tell her about it later_? No, thank you.

Tammy gets there just after nine, but she can tell that it’s all starting to happen. Just as she’s getting to the door, she hears Glen holler from inside, “Okay, so did everybody else know that Leslie is banging Ron’s second ex-wife, Tammy?”

That sounds like her cue. She sweeps through the door, resisting the urge to say, “Speak of the devil.” The noise that had started to follow Glen’s announcement pauses from its chorus of “What?!?”s and “You’re fucking kidding me”s, and when Tammy goes right up to Leslie, who is standing in the middle of the office looking deathly pale, and kisses her, the place goes as silent as the DMV the time that she and Ron had sex there.

When Tammy finally pulls back, Leslie looks a little less pale -- dazed, sure, but not quite so much like she’s going to throw up in the middle of the office. But everybody else is staring at them like the employees are teenagers in a parked car and Tammy has a hook for a hand. Tammy puts her arm casually over Leslie’s shoulders, and as Leslie automatically puts hers around Tammy’s waist, Tammy looks for Ron.

Ron is standing in the doorway of his office, supporting himself with one hand on the doorjamb, with the non-expression on his face that means he is extremely, extremely rattled. It’s the exact non-expression he had the first, second, and fifth times that Tammy grabbed a knife and threatened to cut his balls off. So he did see them kissing.

"Tammy," Ron says after they’ve stared at each other for what feels like forever. Tammy can feel the electricity between them already, shuddering down her spine. Oh, it’s been too long.

"Oh, hello, Ron," she says, like she had no idea he was going to be here this morning. "I just dropped by to say hi to my girlfriend."

Ron's eyes widen just a tiny bit at the word “girlfriend,” and his glance switches to Leslie. "Leslie," he says. "What the hell is going on?"

"What does it look like?" Tammy says before Leslie has time to try to come up with something. "People aren't allowed to have their significant others come by the office once in awhile without the whole department making a big deal of it?"

Ron starts and looks around the office like he’s just realized all his coworkers are staring at them. He clears his throat and moves his hot blue eyes back to Tammy. God, the sexuality of his beady little stare, Tammy can hardly resist it; she wants to rub her body against the solid trunk of his torso. "Can I see you two in my office please?"

No, no, that's no fun -- it's much better to make a scene in front of the whole Parks Department. That was the plan this whole time!

"You're not the boss of me, mister," Tammy starts, but Leslie clears her throat.

"Come on, Tammy," she mutters. "Let's just get this over with."

She looks so glum and beaten down that Tammy can't actually bring herself to argue with her. Well, fine, if that's what Leslie wants. There are windows all around Ron's office so everybody else will be able to see anyway.

Leslie drops her arm from around Tammy's waist, but Tammy grabs her hand so they walk into Ron’s office holding hands like a couple, and she sees Donna's eyes widen at that. God, this plan to actually sort of date Leslie was such an amazing idea, so much better than just having sex with her. Even if right now Leslie is walking to Ron's office like she's going to the guillotine. Whatever, she’ll get over it.

Once Ron has shut the door behind them, he says, "Do you want to tell me what the hell is happening here? Leslie, has she drugged you?"

"What?" Leslie says, looking startled at that. "No! Of course not, don't be ridiculous, Ron."

"Then what the _hell_?" Ron says. "Tammy is a manipulative she-demon from the fiery pit of despair! How could you fall for this? She’s only sleeping with you to get to me!"

Leslie makes a disgusted face. “Oh, get over yourself, Swanson. Tammy told me you’d be like this. Not everything is about you, you know.”

“Oh, and you think this is not?” Ron says. “After all the things she’s done to this department?”

Leslie shifts her weight uneasily from one leg to the other. "Those were different,” she says. “Tammy's changed, Ron!”

Ron just stares at her for a long, long minute.

"Fine," Leslie says, rolling her eyes. "Whatever, she hasn't changed, but I don't care, the sex is really, really good! And it's not like we're in love! So she can't manipulate me. It's just sex." Leslie sounds very sure of herself.

Tammy squeezes her hand, though, turning to her and putting on her sweetest, most innocent expression. "But Leslie," she says. "I do love you."

Leslie looks back at Tammy with those big eyes of hers, all gullible emotion. It’s almost too easy. "You do?" she says, heart-breakingly hopeful. Boy, that divorce really did a number on her.

"Leslie!" Ron says, raising his voice. "You can't let your guard down with this monster! Look at how fast you fall for it! You’re like a child!"

"Oh, how is this any of your business?!" Tammy yells back at him, feeling the excitement that only comes from Ron start coursing through her veins, down to her nether regions. Her whole body feels alive, tense and electric, like her skin’s getting too tight. "Stay out of it, Ron! You’re just jealous I’m letting her touch me in places you’ve never imagined!" That is, of course, untrue -- there are no places that Ron hasn’t touched her, to her knowledge.

Leslie looks torn, glancing back and forth between Ron and Tammy.

"Leslie," Ron says, talking directly to her, staring into her with so much intensity it makes Tammy want to rip his face off for a second. Yeah, right, like they've never slept together. Who do they think they’re kidding? "Just step away from her and we can make this all go away."

Tammy grabs Leslie by the shoulders and pulls her in and kisses her, hard and determined, for long enough that she knows Ron will be fighting a boner. And sure enough, when she pulls back, Ron is standing funny.

“Were you saying something, Ron?” Tammy says.

Ron opens his mouth, but then shuts it again, obviously flustered.

“That’s what I thought,” Tammy says. “Come on, Leslie. You’re taking a half-day and coming back to bed with me.”

As they hit the door Ron calls after them, “You can’t take a half-day, it’s only nine-thirty in the morning!” but Tammy doesn’t let Leslie turn around, and once Tammy’s got her hand down Leslie’s pants in the ladies’ room, Leslie isn’t arguing any.

**

Tammy knows that Ron will probably try to come rescue Leslie, the way Leslie has rescued him so many times before, so she wants to make this probably-last-hurrah of sex worthwhile. Back at her place, she kisses Leslie until Leslie's pupils are blown wide, then fastens the strap-on around her own hips, and bends Leslie over the kitchen table, the creamy skin of Leslie's back warm under Tammy's hands, Leslie's bright hair falling over her shoulders. Tammy loves fucking her like this, Leslie moaning and thrusting back into her, the strap-on pressing against Tammy's clit. She feels so powerful doing it, making Leslie go crazy, running her hand over Leslie's hips and ass and the sides of her breasts.

She's just fucking Leslie through her second orgasm when the doorbell rings, right on time. Leslie groans, all sweaty and wrung out as she finishes, looking back at Tammy over her shoulder. "Who is that?" she mumbles as she finally goes limp. "Make them go away."

Tammy strokes some of Leslie's hair out of her face, feeling the heat of her flushed cheeks. "Okay, sweetie," she says, pulling out carefully. "Why don't you put on my robe and relax while I get rid of them?"

Leslie nods, but looks too wrecked to move. Tammy runs her hand down Leslie's back again, then moves to detach herself from the harness and put on a silk robe herself. She hopes they look debauched enough to really upset Ron, but looking at Leslie, with her hair all mussed and sweaty, still catching her breath, it's pretty clear they're post-coital. Eat your heart out, Ron Swanson.

When she opens the front door, Ron is standing there glowering, just as she knew he would be, a glorious bear of a man. She can smell his familiar scent of sawdust and red meat. "Oh!" she says, feigning shock. "What a surprise.”

She hopes that Leslie is still naked behind her, but when she follows Ron's look over her shoulder, Leslie has managed to get the robe mostly fastened around her, though it's loose enough that you can just start to see the curve of one breast. Ron looks disturbed.

"Won't you come in?" Tammy says. "Leslie and I were just going to see what kitchen utensils are the best for penetration. You can join us! I remember how much you like that kind of thing."

Ron's jaw clenches. God, she wants to lick it. Maybe she could get Ron and Leslie both in bed at the same time -- sweet lord, that would be amazing.

Ron just ignores her, though, pushing past her to get to Leslie. "You're not yourself," he says to her. "You're under her spell. Let's get you out of here before something terrible happens."

"No," Leslie says, still looking blissed out and boneless from their lovemaking. The room must reek of it. "You don't understand, Ron! The sex is amazing! Nothing terrible is going to happen."

"Believe me, Knope," Ron says, glancing nervously at Tammy like he can feel the sexual tension between them already. God, why is he in her house but not fucking her yet? She can imagine his mustache against her lips already. The lips of her vagina. "I know exactly how good it is," Ron continues. "But this isn't you. Since when does Leslie Knope leave work in the middle of the day to make love?"

Leslie actually looks a little startled at that, like Ron has a point, like she's realizing that Tammy really does have her a little enthralled. Crap, Tammy's losing her, she can't let Ron keep talking!

"Since Leslie became a more daring and adventurous person!" Tammy says. "In touch with her own sensuality!"

Aggravatingly, Ron totally ignores her. Since when does he ignore her! "Leslie, you can get in touch with your sensuality with anybody. Why don't we find you a non-monster to be with?" he says. "You don't want this. You want to go back to work. There’s a budget meeting at noon -- those are your favorite."

Tammy steps in between Ron and Leslie, making Ron stare her right in the chest. Yeah, just try to resist that magnificent rack, Swanson. "I think I know her a little better than you do," she says. "And Leslie doesn't want to go back to work. Leslie wants to stay here and get fucked by a dildo in the shape of an adorable forest creature."

Leslie actually groans. Yeah, Leslie likes that one.

"She does not!" Ron says, finally looking Tammy in the eye and losing his temper. "How dare you seduce my deputy director like this! This is between you and me, Tammy! Leave Leslie out of it!"

God, it gets her blood flowing when he yells like that. His mustache is quivering with righteous anger, his eyes are fiery, his arms look like they're the size of tree trunks. She can't stand it anymore, just the smell of him getting her endorphins raging, and she launches herself at him before she even has time to think.

His mouth tastes the same way it always has, and his chest is the same impenetrable muscled barrel as it always has been, and God, she wants his cock so badly. She starts groping for it, unable to keep her hands off his body, but then, suddenly and to her surprise, Ron shoves her off.

“No,” he says, but his voice breaks like a 13-year-old boy’s. “Stop it.”

His hands shoving her away just turn her on more, and she’s about to throw herself at him again when she notices that Leslie is staring at her, horrified. Oh, crap, Leslie. Tammy forgot she was here.

“Oh my God,” Leslie says, getting up from her chair. “Is Ron right? Was this all a plot to get at him?”

For heaven’s sake, why do they have to be so reductive? Sure, it was to get at Ron, and also it was fun! And Tammy really enjoyed fucking Leslie! What’s wrong with any of that? “Why does everything have to have a label?” Tammy says.

Leslie crosses her arms over her chest. “How dare you!” she says. “How dare you take advantage of me in my weakened, post-divorce state!”

“Yeah,” Ron says, apparently gaining some equilibrium back.

Tammy looks at him, and he shrinks inside himself again, and when she reaches out and touches his arm, he gets the look on his face like he gets before he kisses her.

“Ron!” Leslie says sharply.

Ron jumps back, looking panicky, the spell broken again. “Quick, let’s get out of here,” he says, like Tammy’s a polar bear and he’s fallen into the enclosure. He grabs Leslie by the arm and starts pulling her towards the door.

As they go by her, Tammy reaches out and puts her hand on Leslie’s hip. “But Leslie,” she says. “I really care about you.”

For a split second, Leslie hesitates, her face softening like she wants to believe Tammy.

“Leslie!” Ron says, pulling her harder towards the door. “Plug your ears! She’s a monster!”

Leslie jumps, brought back to herself again. “Run!” she says, and then they’re both throwing the door open and rushing into the open air, Leslie still only wearing Tammy’s robe.

“Dammit, Leslie!” Tammy calls after them. Ron’s hand is on the small of Leslie’s back. God, she really wants to know how many times they’ve done it. Leslie casts a frightened glance back over her shoulder, but keeps walking. “I want my robe back!”

The two of them just walk faster, almost breaking into a run, and Tammy watches as they throw themselves into Ron’s car and he pulls away so fast he squeals the tires.

Ah, well. That was fun while it lasted. Tammy goes back into her house. She should probably take a shower, but she’s still a little wrecked from the orgasms and the yelling and the besting Ron and Leslie both this time, and showering feels like a lot of effort.

She stretches out on the couch, mostly feeling content, but with that little feeling of letdown that comes with a major undertaking being over. She needs a new project. Actually... that ex-husband of Leslie’s was kind of cute. What was his name? Ken? Ben? She wonders if he might be interested in taking some revenge on Leslie.

After she has a nap, of course. Then maybe she’ll get to work on that.


End file.
